Taking a break from the business of writing, I’d like to take a second to put in a plug for my favorite collection of pseudo-academics led by the man whose hairstylist is an outlet: that’s right, Ancient Aliens.

If you haven’t seen the show and get the History Channel on your cable, you are lying. If you really haven’t seen it, I can best describe the proceedings as: five-minute blocks describing slightly mysterious (sometimes very mysterious) structures or events from ancient (usually) times, followed by five minutes of thought that is tangential to the concept of logic, followed by 30 seconds of outright insanity before commercial break. The punchline, of course, is always the same (see figure 1 to the right).

So, in honor of this groundbreaking show that is unafraid to say what no one else is thinking, here’s a quick translation of some of the logical leaps that are employed by its denizens:

“Modern science is baffled” by X – Scientists have several good theories to explain this structure or event, one or two of which have clear precedent and seem particularly likely to be at least near the truth. 

“Could this event be explained by [Aliens]?” – Yeah, wow, this logical jump was too much even for me

“Ancient Astronauts” – Aliens

“Sky Gods” – Aliens

“Star Beings” – Aliens

“…which, to me…” – I’m about to make a massive leap of ‘logic’ here

“…could it be…” – No, it could not

“Some extraterrestrial intelligence” – Aliens

“Scientists have no explanation” – Elsevier journals are expensive and our professorships are fake

Because really, when in doubt, Aliens.